The Herpes Tour, hosted by Jesse James, continues

When my own husband left me for a transvestite he met on Startrek.com, I wasn't sure I was done with him until I read a couple of his emails to the other "lady." When I read the poorly written, smarmy, stupid shit, I realized my husband was an idiot and bid him adieu.

Same with Jesse James. I never realized how dumb he was until now. Here's sneak peek to the Master at work... Buckle up, it's crazy:

Jesse: Need anything before I split?
Woman: Some Tums.
Jesse: I have some special fluid that you can drink and it makes it all better…

Really? That's his game? How do you turn a run to the store for Tums into a sexual innuendo? Amazing. Did he also call her a "booger head"? Does Jesse James put his hands down his butt crack and make the girls smell it? Does he punch them and run away? WHO WOULD FUCK THIS DUMMY. IF I HUMPED HIM I'D FEEL LIKE I MOLESTED A RETARD. <--Same reason I let my husband go.

While the maggot mistresses come crawling out from under the rocks (I believe we're up to 3 or 4 now) Janine has taken this opportunity to speak out in FAVOR of Sandra Bullock having continued visits with her child.

I realize Janine feels sorry for Sandra. I realize she thinks now they have something in common. But Sandra doesn't see it that way.

Janine, don't be so quick to give her a pass. I promise you, she still hates you. Probably even more now, because you warned her.

Oh, this is cuntastic.

Where to begin.


When I saw Sandra Bullock talk non-stop about her "sweet six year old" (aka Janine's KID!) at the Oscars, I screamed at the tv, "YOU'RE A KIDNAPPING CUNT!" But, it turns out, she's just a big, dumb woman.

The real cunt in all of this is Jesse James. Cause while he stood dutifully behind his Oscar winning wife, holding her purse in one hand, he was texting horny messages to his girlfriend of over 11 months.

The girlfriend being a very handsome woman named Michelle McGee. Well, I can see why Jesse fell for her on Myspace. Michelle's a spirited little minx. Her turn on's are: pretending she doesn't know who Sandra Bullock was married to, telling her dad to go fuck himself and hating black people. Adorable!

So how is Jesse James a better parent than Janine? In what way are any of these douchebags more qualified to raise and love that little girl than her own mom? I'm so glad Miss Priss Bullock got knocked off her high horse. She was judgmental and should not have been. Maybe Janine isn't the crazy bitch he made you think she was, Sandy...

What a dick.

Homeless guy has private "soup kitchen"

A guy in Oklahoma was arrested this week for breaking into four churches and using their computers to look at porn. He also made calls to 1-900 numbers, racking up a $300 phone bill for one of the churches.

How do I know he's homeless? Stuff like this is right up a bum's alley.

(rimshot!)

Pipedreams is a nightmare

Novelty adult toy company, Pipedreams has decide to forgo the "adult" portion of their description and stick with the "novelty." They've gone and made some shit to fill a landfill with. How thoughtful of them.

Thank you so so so much, Pipedreams. May I actually have the opportunity to look another adult human being in the eye and TRY to sell him or her a... what is it? a Tiger Woods Sex Doll? Mother may I? Or the "Wood cover" condom? Pretty please?

And what will be my selling pitch be for the wind-up, jerk-off toy? "Well no I know no one cares about this now but ya know, for like five weeks in 2010 it was HUGE news. Wouldn't you like to take this toy home and leave it in like, a co-workers desk drawer, just to imply you know about his affair and will be sending the blackmail information at a later date?" $OLD!

And I know, there's so many jokes here, what with all the "sticks" and "holes" and "wood," but that was last month. Even the 13 year old boys who thought of the jokes FIRST have moved on.

Grow up, Pipedreams.

Awww...

Dear Porn Industry,

How does it feel to get fucked over?

Porn companies are seriously complaining about being robbed by tube sites showing their content for free. Awwww... I can hear them crying into their money-filled pillows from here.

Could this really be happening? Wait, do they mean that they're putting out work and aren't getting proper compensation? That they're working and not getting paid for it? You mean like Stephanie Swift who no longer receives compensation for her work although her name and likeness continues to be used, who now has breast cancer and couldn't afford health insurance? IS IT ANYTHING AT ALL LIKE THAT??!? Family my ass.

They brought this whole mess upon themselves, taking innocent retailers like myself down with them. They didn't hate the internet when it was making them money! They did NOTHING to stop the release of material until it began to take a chunk out of their bottom line. They were so busy "not" doing blow and eating $100 bills for breakfast that they failed to even see what mainstream movie industry already knew-- that the internet was NOT their friend. That's okay, the porn industry is no one's friend.

Nut up and figure it out, pussies.

If I'M judging you? You suck.

I don't know if it's the fancy weather or what but women are growing balls in places I never thought possible.

I've had a rash (and yes, it FEELS like a rash, it's itchy and bothersome to me...) a rash of women trying to return their vibrators to the store.

Some say because the machines don't "work" on them. Oh, yes the motor turns, it bumps and chugs along but doesn't "work-work" so they wanna return it and get a different kind. And why wouldn't I just roll over and accept the pub-haired, filmy piece of silicone and give them a brand new shiny in return? I must be a total cunt trying to shit on their good time. I mean, what's wrong with ME that I don't want it back? Don't I just have a collection of pre-ridden vibrators stinking up my shelves behind the counter? Aren't I just gonna make a modern art piece out of them and why wouldn't I be grateful for such a thing...

Once, I had sex with a police officer on the job. He cheated on his wife and I didn't give a shit. Both of us were two scumbags, rutting like dogs.

Not a proud, shining moment for me but all the same I have to say, I did do it. And yet, I would NEVER return a vibrator. Think about that.

the plan is perfect...

Atheist students at the University of Texas at San Antonio are trading porno for bibles and scripture related material. Maybe the Atheist students needed something new to jerk it to?