Porn whore Jackie Braxton is a twat

I would call her a cunt but that'd give cunts a bad name. Miss Braxton and her 8th grade education took the web and proclaimed she's infected about 500 men with HIV.

I guess she thinks HIV is herpes?

Silly twat! This trailer trash whore thinks she's Lady Gaga. Adorable.

Adult movies for the KKK set. Glad to see we're covering everyone.

Ah the porn industry. Is there no level you won't stoop to? Below are actual box cover synopses of real movies that I carry and yes, attempt to sell.

I know you're thinkin, "How the hell could you even TRY to sell this shit and what sick fuck would buy them?" Hee hee you don't know me at all, I am a PROFESSIONAL PORNCLERK! I have sold the Jenna Jameson Bobble Head Doll! I've sold giant butt plugs to old ladies! I can sell a dick to a transvestite! I'm THAT good. Here's my sales pitch for these, "Oh No! There's a Negro in my..." movies:

"Hello sir, you look like a fine, strapping clean-cut, skinhead. Say, your boots are swell. That's a lovely David Allen Coe shirt. Curb stomped any Mexicans today? How IS Mr. Metzger doing these days... Oh fantastic. What if I told you, that I could combine your hatred of blacks AND of women? Well mister do I have some movies for YOU! Now just read these box covers. Sure, they only SAY 'Negro' but you can tell they really mean 'Nigger.' The Blacks know what we mean right? (wink) Oh, you'll take all of them? Lovely. Shall I put them in a gift bag?" See, you just have to develop rapport, start a conversation with your customer and they'll be putty in your hands.


Oh No! There's a Negro in my Daughter
You had big hopes for your daughter. She was your pride and joy-your little princess. But, then she fucked a Negro. She'll never find a good man now. She's doomed to be a revolving door for unemployed black penis. So, you can forget about early retirement and moving down to Florida. It's time to find a second job to support your daughter and her fatherless half-Negro baby.

Negro in my Daughter 2
You always did your best to ensure a bright future for your daughter. You paid for braces to straighten her teeth. You drove her to soccer practice so she'd stay fit and learn to be a winner. You even kept her away from malt liquor and rap music. But despite your best efforts, she's fucking a Negro.
Because of your failure, she's doomed to a lifetime of poverty and fried chicken dinners. You no longer have a daughter. All you can do now is pray that you won't have any half-colored grandchildren either.

Negro in my Daughter 3
Your parents had it easy. All they had to worry about was making sure you ate your spinach and didn't catch a cold. Crime was nonexistent. After all, Negroes had their own schools and were kept chained in cellars during nightfall. But, now the good times are over. Blacks and whites share the bus and eat at the same restaurants. But, like your forefathers warned, danger lurks in racially integrated societies-especially for your young and fertile white daughters. Thankfully, you'll be dead soon and Negroes don't go to heaven.


Negro in my Mom
Growing up, you had a pretty good life. Dad had a great job. Mom stayed home to change your diapers and make you grilled cheese sandwiches with no crust. You went to a good school and always got the toys you wanted. Too bad it was all a lie. For years, your mom's been fucking Negroes behind your dad's back. Sadly, there's nothing you can do about it. They carry guns.

Negro in my Mom 2
You knew this day would come, white people. No amount of jails and loan denials could prevent it. You knew the Negroes were moving into the suburbs, but you just never thought they would invade your home... and your mom. So sit back and watch as everything you once knew as pure and beautiful is destroyed.


Negro in my Mom 3
Remember when you were a kid and your mom used to take you to the zoo? The animals always scared you, but you felt safe and protected with her. But, could you imagine coming home to find your mom being ravaged by a Negro? This time, good friend, the animals are not in cages, they are in your beloved mother. She can't protect you now. Mourn her loss, and move on.

Negro in my Mom 4
When you were growing up, your mom's mouth and pussy were reserved for your dad. They served as a warm refuge for the old man. Now, he's gone and your once beloved mom has opened up her once saintly holes to every pimp, drug dealer, and welfare recipient in sight. Looks like dad may have known something you didn't. Maybe it's time you took that final exit, too. God will understand.

Negro in my Wife 1
It's never easy to find out that your wife's been cheating on you. Thankfully, in those dark times, you have the support of friends, family, and the community. But things are always different if the adulterous bitch fornicated with a Negro. People will wonder how worthless you must have been to make your wife abandon her own race. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Negro in my Wife 2
It's not easy for you to accept the fact that your wife is fucking a Negro. Her stretched out holes keep you from achieving an orgasm and the fried chicken crumbs on the bed just add insult to injury. But, what troubles you most is watching her kiss your kids goodnight. If they only knew the disgusting black log those lips were wrapped around an hour ago. Maybe you should do them a favor and smother them as they sleep tonight.


Negro in my Wife 3
Let's face it - Negroes are everywhere. And, now, they're in your wife. While the good old days when you could resolve this problem quietly with a good piece of rope and a tall oak tree are long gone, you can still take matters into your own hands by a.) swallowing a mouthful of shotgun candy or b.) jerking your small white cock while watching your wife get mutted by angry black guys.

The choice is yours.


Oh No! There's a Negro in my Wife 4
You are a sensible man. You have always known that your wife would eventually cheat on you. Probably with a younger guy. But, you figured you'd make the best of it. Become friends. Maybe even give him a job. What you didn't count on was that the man inside your wife would be a big, dirty Negro. You can't be friends with a Negro. They do drugs and shoot people. They sure as fuck don't work. You're only option now is to sit and watch and crack open a window to air the pot smell out.

Dear Chatsworth pictures, you are not only racist but you are fucking idiots. You owe me (and my customers) an apology!

PS. Let me say this too, if these box covers said the same horrible shit about Gays would we carry them? Allow me to attempt to write one and see how it goes...


"Remember when a problem like homos could be easily solved by driving out to the middle of Wyoming and tying a pillow biter up to a fence post? Well those days are long gone, now there's nothing left for you to do but sit and watch your dad get fucked by a AIDS filled, cock sucking faggot, or instead of cock, just suck on the barrel end of a shotgun and let IT cum in your mouth!"

God dang I'm good at this. Anyone else like to try?

If I had one message: Ladies, stop being pussies, take care of your pussies.

Some of you embarrass me.

A guy came into the porno store. As soon as I saw him look around I knew he was out of his league and so I sprung into Super Pornclerk Action. He was looking for a vibrator--for her, he stressed. I assumed it must be a gift.

The biggest problem with men buying vibrators without their female counterweight to set them straight is that men tend to approach the whole ordeal as if they're buying a piece of machinery that will help them build a deck. The vagina, clit and other girl bits are very particular about what it likes and it's individual to every woman. When left to their own devices, men generally gravitate to the biggest and the cheapest.

This 40-something bro was no different. He was a walking cliché and of course picked out the biggest wad of latex crap with a motor. I tried showing him other, better products but this guy's face was fixed. After about 45 minutes of he and I putting batteries in things and debating, he seemed to give up. I felt relieved, that finally I'd beaten him to my will and he'd realized he didn't know what he was doing. He sighed and said, “Ya know, why don't I go out to the car and ask her.”

Confused, I got sick to my stomach. This guy must have been 40 years if he was a day. I didn't get it. “What?” I said, before I could stop. “What? Your girlfriend is under 18? ARE YOU SERIOUS?” He laughed and replied with a shit-eating grin, “God no. She's too embarrassed to come in.”

He must have seen my jaw drop. He practically tripped over himself making excuses for his ding-dong girlfriend.

“She's 30. She has issues.” No SHIT. She has more issues than National Geographic.

Quite frankly, I would have been more comfortable had he told me he had his mail order child-bride outside, waiting like a good girl knows how. Anything would have been better than the sad reality that a grown woman is STILL too ashamed to buy her own sex toy.

And then it hit me: This guy is a prick. I hated him. “But Kristine,” you may ask, “What's wrong with a man buying a vibrator?” Oh, other than it's like an Amish man at Circuit City? Nothing. Maybe it's a gift. Maybe she's tired of being with the kids all damn day doesn't feel like putting on her good sweats to go out. Maybe she just put it on his list along with Oreo's and lighter fluid, “I don't CARE what you bring home as long as it BUZZES!” Or, maybe it's not for her at all, but for HIM. Those scenarios are always a possibility and no, there's nothing wrong with it.

But this guy, this guy was a prick.

What kind of man leaves the woman he loves (or even his dog) sit outside in the cold, in the middle of the night, in a porno store parking lot for almost an hour? This man was no knight in shining armor, he was a macho fuckstick and he relished it. Obviously, the woman asked him to go in for her (and we will deal with her in a minute) but why would he say yes? WHY would that ever be ok with him?

Because he sees her as weak.

Because she's embarrassed and “can't” do it herself! She needs him! She's so lucky a big, strong, strapping mid-life crisis came to her rescue. What a sweet, delicate little princess she must be. She's trapped in her tall Tower of Chastity and it's adorable. Why, she's so modest, I bet she's practically a virgin!

For the woman in the car, I have even less respect for her. As a woman, I do whatever I can to further our cause. By example I strive to assure men that women are strong and capable and that we can be their equal. And in being equal, we will make a better, more effective partner. But now this dizzy bitch... What am I supposed to do with that?

I can't burn enough of my bras or have enough abortions to undo the damage she did in under an hour. She managed to set us all back 150 years and all she had to do was sit in a car and wait while a douche buys something for her own vagina. Why is a woman like this even considered mature enough to have sex? How does she do other adult activities like drive or vote or even buy her own tampons? Women can not earn the respect of men as long as there are still those of us outside, waiting in a car like children. Without apology, I believe that if you are not mature enough to buy your own vibrator, you aren't mature enough to have one.

In all my years as a pornclerk I have never seen a man send a woman in to buy him a sex toy, or even porn because he's “too embarrassed.” But the fact is, men get embarrassed too. I deal with flush-faced boys everyday. Men have just as many issues with sexuality as women do, and yet men find a way to suck it up. They pull themselves together and bravely do their own dirty work-- because men don't have anyone else to fall back on.

We all know at least one woman who's a car sitter. We all know a woman who says, "Oh, I'd never..." and "Oh, I couldn't." This is a new year and for that woman, it could be a new start. For the sake of all women, tell our car sitting sisters: No one ever said owning your sexuality was easy but it is a necessary function of every adult. The outside of the ADULT store might be intimidating but inside is a fat, middle-aged mother of three who's prepared to walk you through the wilderness.


originally published in Exotic Magazine, January 2010

Now that Pirates "buzz" is gone, Digital Playground releases sex toys

Digital Playground is finally coming out with a line of sex toys to coincide with their feature film release, Pirates XXX and Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge.

That's wonderful. Wow. PIRATES WAS RELEASED FIVE FUCKING YEARS AGO! OH if only George Lucas was as smart at marketing as Digital Playground and put out Star Wars action figures five years after the fact! George Lucas, what a dumbshit!

THE PORN INDUSTRY IS RUN BY MORONS! You know what, I could have used these ridiculous sex toys when the movie was released but DP is sending this shit to me NOW to sell? FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU! QWadu-32-u09u4we09uwe0touiweflkjlufuck!

ARE THEY HIGH?

Digital Playground "Exec" 1: Duuuuuuuude. You know what we totally forgot to do?

DP Exec 2: Feed the baby?

DP Exec 1: Oh shit. Yep. AND put out those Pirate toy things. Let's do that after we beat WOW.



Everyone at Digital Playground needs to be fired and they OWE ME AN APOLOGY!

Artie Lange tries to kill himself, AVN thinks it's porn related news

AVN stands for Adult. Video. News. The Artie Lange story is front page worthy to them for why?

OH because he's actually famous? OH because it's actually NEWS and not some fluff piece written by a rambling idiot? If they're going to be covering non-porn related news, may I suggest they branch out and send out their "journalists" to the White House.

"Mr President, Josh Boozenstein for the AVN... Can you tell me why kittens are so soft? Are you avoiding my question Mr. PRESIDENT WHY ARE KITTENS SO SOFT!?"

It's an insult to Artie that a rag like the AVN uses his name in any capacity.

I bet he's a great dad...

“I never thought I would have a chance to make a new Deep Throat movie and I hope some day my kids understand- really I do it all for them.”

~Steve Hirsch, CEO of Vivid Entertainment

So... he re-makes porn movies so that his children can watch anal in HD? How thoughtful. I heard that Robin Williams did the voice of the Genie for the very same reason.

pretty sure these guys have been in my house, too.

"Burglars" are breaking in to businesses, eating leftovers and looking at porn. So they're either the homeless or teenagers. I should work for CSI.

 

Guest Blogger: Pornclerk Andy

This contribution was sent to me by our brother-in-arms, Andy. He writes: "here is one thing I kind of wrote on a whim after the pervs in my store complain that my job is too easy. I'd love to see it on the blog Thank you"

Andy, here is your long distance dedication.

<3


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It was four Am on a Monday/Tuesday graveyard shift in the middle of winter. I was sitting behind the counter reading a book and drinking a red-bull, when some smartass Chris Farley look-a-like with a pension for fat tranny movies though he’d be really hysterical and said “Boy-oh-boy look like your working hard.”

I looked at him in the eye and said “and you’re buying shemale porn at four o’clock in the morning so I guess we’re about square.”

It’s a misconception that Porn clerks are “lazy people”. Any good porn store manager knows who these kinds are and will throw their quarter-page resume in the trash before looking at it. I realize that this isn’t a physically demanding job but you should know that your little fetish of pregnant girl movies is paying my tuition. Unlike previous job’s I’ve had, the porn clerking profession has given me the opportunity to effectively manage my time, specifically for my education so I can be certain that I don’t end up like the majority of the customers who walk into this place. If you’d sit down the only people to have any reason to be in a porn-store are the employees. Your kid’s aren’t going to stave if you don’t by anal-beads and tragically I can’t give you a refund for the cock-pump you broke. If you’re in here you have time, money and your wad to blow.

Whether it’s the customers or in some cases other employees the absolute worst thing your can do is take this place seriously. You’re not going to get the same treatment as do at the Gap. I really don’t give a fuck if you have a satisfactory customer service experience when you’re buying a blow up doll. Don’t get me wrong I make an effort to be a good employee and do what is required of me but that allegiance is to my boss not to the customer. This is because this job is not a standard retail job if it was you perverts would really do what ever you want. This job is more or less babysitting like baby sitting with a cash-register. Babysitting is a lot being a porn clerk. I sometimes get to eat pizza and watch movies but I also have to show people how to use toilet properly and tell them that it’s not polite to bite people. So don’t call me lazy, because I know as well as you do I didn’t have to see anybody’s ballsack working at Miller Paint.

really?

Oh Vivid and Steve Hirsch. I love everything you do. Steve Hirsch, the "brains" behind porn studio, Vivid Entertainment, is claiming that an "unidentified individual" has brought them a Tiger Woods sex tape.

Of course it's an unidentified individual, because it didn't happen. This is just another one of Hirsch's hair-brained schemes to get attention. Remember when he was trying to get Sony to allow porn downloads on Playstations? That was ADORABLE.

Steve Hirsch's life must be just one long I Love Lucy Episode. "This is the one where Steve tells everyone he has a Tiger Woods sex tape so that we'll look at him. Oh poor Steve, will he ever learn...!"