Wednesday, June 9, 2010

The Porncleks Creed.






We clerks live and die by a set of rules.

1) The matters between clerk and custie are private and privileged. We know you like it in the butt and are DL gay, and we don't care. We know it's your secret fantasy to be gang raped by trannies because, brother, you like to drink and when you do you talk too much. We know that piss movies are just the tip of your twisted iceberg and we don't care. We know you like teenage girls, we may even suspect that somewhere, you are a suspect, and we do not care. We will not tell your wife, your mom, your friends. As one of my clerk friends put it, "You don't start nothing, there won't be nothing." Most of us value our jobs, most of us realize there's almost no where else we can work. So, based on that alone, your secrets are safe. Just pray none of us ever gets a marketable skill or wins the lottery.

2) Some things you can't UNsee. Imagine the scene: you clock in, you try to say hello to your co-clerks, one of them is sitting on a stool with her head between her legs trying to breathe. Another clerk rubs her back and hands her a bottle of water, cooing consolation to her. On the floor, just feet away you notice a box cover. You have fifteen seconds to make a decision that could very well effect you for years to come, if not your life. As veteran clerks we know this creed very well... and yet, we STILL live for a good trainwreck. When a clerk hears, "OH MY FUCKING OH *Gag* OH GOD, HEY COME HERE!" Nothing fills us with fear and wonder more. And yet, most of us will continue to look, regardless of the consequences. We are not afraid of what's in the arcade. We are not afraid of what's on the box cover. We are only afraid when those images are all we can think about while talk to our mothers.

3) If you don't know what it is, it goes in your ass. Well, it's true.

4) If a clerk finds a dead body, the cash only in the decedents wallet may be thought of as a finders fee for the clerk. Property is never to be taken. Times are tough.

5) A pornclerk may not fuck over another pornclerk. Lots of us are dirt bags. But we are dirt bags to other people. Not to family. We are the only ones who understand what it is that we do. We are often times our only support for one another, and our greatest source of laughter.
Posted by pornclerk at 5:32 PM
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4 comments:

  1. funny how i know these rules lived by them and yet have gotten fucked over by other clerks.. noobs dont know shit about the life style
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  2. Yup, noobs don't know shit, and for some reason there always seems to be 1 or 2 clerks who just have to fuck things up for everyone else.
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  3. What Ryan said. That team spirit shit only went so far.

    We once had a new hipster shithead of a clerk who accused me of eating his week-old pizza in the store fridge. Like all the cunty cowards I worked with, he didn't say it to my face, but scrawled this accusation in the Log Book, then hastily--and poorly--scribbled over it, I assume after Kristine told him I hadn't done it.

    So the next time I see this mass of pompadour grease and tribal tattoos, he says to me, "Hey man, I'm sorry I thought you were the one who ate my food. It's just cuz, well, you know." And then gestures towards my misshapen, flabby torso by way of justifying his thought processes.

    Then he left without A) waiting for my response, B) clocking out, or C) even dropping his till money in the safe.

    As I watched him saunter out, wallet chain swinging in the sun, I said, "I think he's stealing," reached in his till, and grabbed a handful of $20 bills.

    He was fired a couple days later.
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  4. I have to repost this comment in an actual POST honey, it's too awesome.
    ReplyDelete

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