If I'M judging you? You suck.

I don't know if it's the fancy weather or what but women are growing balls in places I never thought possible.

I've had a rash (and yes, it FEELS like a rash, it's itchy and bothersome to me...) a rash of women trying to return their vibrators to the store.

Some say because the machines don't "work" on them. Oh, yes the motor turns, it bumps and chugs along but doesn't "work-work" so they wanna return it and get a different kind. And why wouldn't I just roll over and accept the pub-haired, filmy piece of silicone and give them a brand new shiny in return? I must be a total cunt trying to shit on their good time. I mean, what's wrong with ME that I don't want it back? Don't I just have a collection of pre-ridden vibrators stinking up my shelves behind the counter? Aren't I just gonna make a modern art piece out of them and why wouldn't I be grateful for such a thing...

Once, I had sex with a police officer on the job. He cheated on his wife and I didn't give a shit. Both of us were two scumbags, rutting like dogs.

Not a proud, shining moment for me but all the same I have to say, I did do it. And yet, I would NEVER return a vibrator. Think about that.