Now, in my many years of pornclerkery I have seen a thousand people try to bring their babies into the porno store. Even a few of them have brought their babies in, just to show me. "Remember when you helped us buy condoms? Ok we'll we're gonna need them again here's our baby!" I get thank yous and we love yous when that happens.
But probably 90% of the time I'm met with, "But it's just a baby..." "He's only 3 months old, he can't see anything."
I understand. (So let's fuck in front of him.)
But in that same 90%, almost as soon as that ridiculous statement comes oozing out of their mouths, a lightbulb ignites behind their eyes and they wish desperately they hadn't said it. In an instant they know where it went wrong. They apologize, say, "Oh my god my bad. Ok I'm sorry well I'm gonna sit out with the baby can you help my wife find..." Or, "Oh no I told you so honey, ok well let's go home and leave her with your mom and we'll come back later..." All perfectly acceptable and I guess, kinda understand their thinking. (not really, but they get a pass for being sweet.)
And then 10% fight with me. I mean, call me names and wish they could take me out in the parking lot and beat the living shit out of me fight with me. Because they brought a baby into a porno store. Yes. That sentence just happened. And it just happened today.
Big Fat and Junior Fat came in to the store today while we were very busy. It is, after all, Valentines Day. I can only assume The Big Fat intended to buy ill fitting lingerie with the hopes of seducing her Darryl into releasing his ranch dressing into her butter bloat to create another social to get cable with. Big Fat made a bee-line to the clearance lingerie and the meat-sack that turned out to be it's sister, followed. The store was filled with customers and bustling with activity, but in a sea of tits and ass the word "baby" can be heard by me at a whisper and yards away.
"...something something baby." "There's a baby in here, " I heard female customer say. The shock in her voice was unmistakable, she was a mother too.
I started walking around. "There's a baby in here," one of my clerks said.
"I got it."
I watched The Fats. They looked like nice enough women-- dumb, yes but shit Forrest Gump was dumb. Kittens are dumb.
The Big Fat had the baby. He wasn't really a baby, he was a toddler. He was hanging on to her shoulder with both hands because he had no leverage on her hip. It'd be like hanging on to a mountain made of Jell-o.
I observed, figured this was gonna be easy, and went in.
"Hi I'm so so sorry to tell you this but babies just aren't allowed in the store. It's a law we all have to be over 18 to be in an adult establishment." Big Fat looked at me, opened her eyes wide, opened her mouth wider and I knew, not only was this Fat dumb, but she's mean too.
The Junior Fat started in some yammering. The Big Fat said, "What? What for he's a baby he can't SEE ANYTHING." Having heard this a thousand times, I calmly said, "Yeah I know, I'm sorry those are the rules he can't be in the store." The boy looked up at me, and his eyes were like poetry. Soulful and gentle. "He's really beautiful you know..." My voice trailed; I was being drowned out by the gurgling protests of The Fats.
"Well! Huh. What do you want us to do?"
"Yeah what the hell is she supposed to do then?"
"What am I supposed to do then, leave him in the car?"
"Yeah you want her to just leave him in the car?!"
I was so confused right here. What? My mind reeled trying to make sense of their words. How is that their go-to? How is that their only other solution to the situation? How the fuck does a mother go from, "Can't be in the porno store," to, "I'll leave him in the car." THAT was the extent of her thought process. Nothing else occurred to either one of them!
Leave him in the car. Fucking brilliant. After too many seconds of listening them ask me (seriously) if they should leave this precious little child in the car at a porno store, I started walking away and laughing at them. They followed me. Still berating me with questions about how I could be so mean that he should just be left in the car.
I turned around and said, "You know what? No. Don't be crazy don't leave him in the car, I think it's great, personally I think you should take your baby to every porno store in town! Just take him to all of them, let him run around, what do I care, it's just a dumb law, but I'm on your side you wanna take that baby to a porno store, bless your heart do it you're a great mother, do it! I SUPPORT YOUR RIGHT!"
Then the Junior Fat, who was behind me still said, "DON'T YOU CALL MY SISTER A BAD MOM!" I said, "I didn't call your sister a bad mom, I said she's great. You're both great. I'm on YOUR side! Take the baby to porno stores, I'm totally cool with that. Just not here you know, it's a law, just not my law... why would they even have such a thing I have no idea it's so unreasonable..." At this point, I was behind the counter and talking to myself. Walking around in circles. Big Fat had finally waddled to the door, but she kept yelling at me. I saw a customer walk up to her and start talking to her.
I ignored the Big Fat and watched what was happening with Junior. My Lovely Assistant was trying earnestly to calm the situation down and reason with her. Junior wasn't havin it. She shut my assistant down and made it for the door. THEN in walks in the Fat's MOTHER. I'm not even kidding. Pencil thin, with hair and make-up brought to her by Methin, she starts yelling at me too. "He's just a goddamn BABY, STUPID."
Big Fat yelled at me, "Well you just lost ALL our business. And I spend A LOT of money in here." this was the best part of the whole exchange for me. The "Good Customer" angle. I totally call bullshit on The Tub. A LOT of money? Fucking seriously? She was wearing a second hand skirt and brown crocs for fucks sake! BROWN FUCKING CROCS! Bullshit. She's never even seen a LOT of money. The only place she's ever spent "a lot" of money is Wal-mart and even then it's only during tax time!
While the this fucked up family was leaving the store they yelled at me that I was "unprofessional" and "a cunt." I laughed more, the irony not being lost on me. And that poor, sweet baby! I didn't even tell them what I think of them as mothers! I'm not even a perfect mother and I think they suck! You know, if I'M judging you? You need to lose your kids. I have pretty low standards when it comes to motherhood. My children grew up with me working in the store and not ONCE in their entire lives did I think they should come in. OH it's harmless. They can't see anything. Great let's take the baby murdering later, he won't know! Because they do know. What this baby knows now, is that his Mother is and ignorant, self-righteous, mountain. I hope he also knows that the lady at the store was just trying to do what his dumb mother was not doing--protecting him.
When my son (who's now grown) was 2, I put him in the bathtub and then the phone rang. I answered it and I swear it was less than a minute. I go back to the bathroom and my naked baby is gone. I started to panic. I raced all over the house. I listened for him. Yelled for him. In minutes I called 911. Outside my window I saw cars lining up, backed up all the way around the corner, I told 911 to hold on. I went out side and coming up the walk was a man carrying my naked 2 year old. He carried him, well, like he was holding a naked baby. Arms outstretched and, "Is this yours? Here, take it."
And he screamed at me, "YOU STUPID BITCH! WATCH YOUR FUCKING KID!" I held on to my son, and kissed and and told the man, "I know I will I will I promise I will I'm so sorry..."
Now, I tell this story because I want you to understand, I'm not a perfect mom. I have fucked up and that day was a doosy. Know this too, I don't usually let people talk to me like that. Under normal circumstances I would have handed him back his ass and shoved it down his throat. But in that moment, he was totally right. Watch my fucking kid. He could have told me to go kill myself. Clearly I was an idiot.
The Big Fat is lucky I didn't yell at her. From a mother's perspective, and a pornclerks, I would have been justified. But I was kind and gentle with her at first because I know it's a shock to realized you've made such a stupid mistake. This whole eruption happened because she's like a baby waking up from a nap, and her yelling was her crying. She woke up, realized for a moment she wasn't sleeping anymore and got mad at me about it. Then, she went right back to sleep.
The customer who'd gone over and talked to the Big Fat, told me he'd informed her he was about to call the authorities if she didn't leave. My Lovely Assistant told me later that she tried very hard to explain to the Junior fat dummy that it's not just against the law but it makes everyone else feel uncomfortable to see a baby while they're shopping for "intimate" things.
"I get that. But what does she want us to do, put him in the car?"
Yes. And crack the windows.
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