Tuesday, February 23, 2010

sometimes




I lose my noodle because I feel like a failure. I feel like, I work at a porno store still. Sometimes I feel trapped, like I fucked up, like I don't matter. I should have gone to school right? I should have joined the military like my dad wanted. I should have paid attention...

I'm almost 40 and there are moments when my job seems so completely ridiculous. Like, when I have to tell a grown-up they shouldn't jerk off in front of my counter like I'm talking to downsy 13 year old boy. In those moments, I really do begin to rethink my life and every single decision I've made. EVERY. SINGLE. DECISION. From having kids to getting married (divorced, married, divorced, married, divorced) to which bathroom I pooped in this morning. All of them.

And then, something wonderful happens. I go to work. I clock in-- if I can remember. But sometimes I can't remember because everyone is happy to see me, and I'm happy to see everyone I work with. Because I'm greeted with meows by a lady with blue hair. Because I get hugged hello. And then I am reminded--No one gets to work like this. The days I don't feel like I should go to work, are exactly the same days I need to the most. Does what I do matter? Not to the people in Haiti. I'm not saving the world, I'm not vain enough to even dream I could, but I think I can effect where I'm at now. Blossom where I'm planted.

It's not a perfect place, but this place -- the porno store-- is The Island of Misfit Toys. I'm a train with square wheels. Who would love me? They do. And I love them back. They're just as misfitty.

To all of you who make every day a joy, thank you for your service. It takes a very special person to do what we do, and I love you for your kindness and strength and your work.

That said, if you're thinking about signing up for school, fucking do it or you're fired.

WE
ARE
PORN
CLERKS

but you can't be one forever.
Posted by pornclerk at 9:09 AM
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7 comments:

  1. For what it's worth, I've been in school for well over half of my life, and am now about 2 years shy of earning my doctorate, and I still daydream about working in a porn store. Maybe it's because my local is so cool, maybe I would just be good at it,maybe I just want free porn... but the bottom line is, you should remember that every time you pine for another walk of life, a person living that life is likely pining for yours.
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  2. ha. You're a smart cookie. I'd hire you and your giant brain in a minute.
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  3. I like the word "misfitty" -- very suiting. :)
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  4. Its one of the only jobs where you can be yourself. really. Like you dont have to pretend to not be as fucked up as you really are. Sometimes my work makes me feel like a scumbag, but like an ELITE scumbag. A pornclerk will understand that.
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  5. Totally. I do. We're a mess. I do love my clerks just the way they are, but too much to leave them that way.
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  6. My 10 year anniversary is coming up in June, I think I can be here forever. Though I'm not a "porn clerk". I'm a Self-Fulfillment Facilitator. There is a beauty in having, and deserving, the ultimate trust of a woman who didn't know me before she walked through my shop's font door.
    The only time I feel dirty is when I catch myself looking down her shirt. (Luckily they never suspect girls who wear Sanrio.)
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