Greatest Porn Titles of (my) History

Here's a list of some of my favorite porno titles. There are many so if you have some that are near and dear to you, please feel free to add to the list.

Shithole Pounders. I love it's simplicity. Just rolls off the tongue and kinda sounds like a fart. Shiiiiithole Pounderrrrrs.

Francesca has a Negro Problem. Every now and then a porno title will come down the line that can make a man rethink his entire existence. What am I here for? How did I get here? Why didn't I join the military like my Dad told me to? FHANP is one of those titles. The day after I found it I was watching Oprah and reading The Secret like a middle aged housewife. And then I watched the movie. Turns out, she'd didn't have a Negro Problem at all. She handled all of them perfectly.

Hump the Stump. A treasure. Amputee porn at it's finest.

90 and Naughty. I saw this title about 2 hours into my first shift at the porno store many moons ago and it's stuck with me all these years. For me, it defines my moment of horror when I realized that not all porn had pretty people with hot bods and hotter rods in it. No, this is the day I understood sometimes porno was a guy in Croatia with an elderly gramma who killed a tourist for a Sony Handicam. I was putting movies away and caught the title. No picture on the VHS tape, just a white label and black writing: 90 and Naughty. I felt my head get hot. I felt my stomach turn. I went to Brian, "Um, I'm sorry to bother you. But what is this? What is this? 90 and Naughty what kind of porn could this be?" Brian rolled his eyes so far back it nearly knocked him over, "God are you stupid? What the fuck KIND of movie do you think it is?" I said, "I think it's one lady with 90 guys?" Brian stared cold into my young, hopeful eyes and slowly shook his head. He was wearing a dirty Pabst shirt and smelled faintly of whiskey. He looked pathetic, like a walking apology.

"Try again."

I swallowed, the lump in my throat refusing to budge. My hope and reality fading, I tried again, "An orgy with 90 college students from a catholic school?"

Brian looked at me with disgust. The world I knew not even two hours before was a vapor. A ghost of memory and I would never be the same. I was a new fish in Nam, about to get the whole squad blown to shit because he can't keep on the trail.

90 and Naughty, was in fact, a "film" about an ancient woman with a walker getting gangbanged by 20 of her favorite grandson's friends. I like to think of it as a love story.