If I had one message: Ladies, stop being pussies, take care of your pussies.

Some of you embarrass me.

A guy came into the porno store. As soon as I saw him look around I knew he was out of his league and so I sprung into Super Pornclerk Action. He was looking for a vibrator--for her, he stressed. I assumed it must be a gift.

The biggest problem with men buying vibrators without their female counterweight to set them straight is that men tend to approach the whole ordeal as if they're buying a piece of machinery that will help them build a deck. The vagina, clit and other girl bits are very particular about what it likes and it's individual to every woman. When left to their own devices, men generally gravitate to the biggest and the cheapest.

This 40-something bro was no different. He was a walking cliché and of course picked out the biggest wad of latex crap with a motor. I tried showing him other, better products but this guy's face was fixed. After about 45 minutes of he and I putting batteries in things and debating, he seemed to give up. I felt relieved, that finally I'd beaten him to my will and he'd realized he didn't know what he was doing. He sighed and said, “Ya know, why don't I go out to the car and ask her.”

Confused, I got sick to my stomach. This guy must have been 40 years if he was a day. I didn't get it. “What?” I said, before I could stop. “What? Your girlfriend is under 18? ARE YOU SERIOUS?” He laughed and replied with a shit-eating grin, “God no. She's too embarrassed to come in.”

He must have seen my jaw drop. He practically tripped over himself making excuses for his ding-dong girlfriend.

“She's 30. She has issues.” No SHIT. She has more issues than National Geographic.

Quite frankly, I would have been more comfortable had he told me he had his mail order child-bride outside, waiting like a good girl knows how. Anything would have been better than the sad reality that a grown woman is STILL too ashamed to buy her own sex toy.

And then it hit me: This guy is a prick. I hated him. “But Kristine,” you may ask, “What's wrong with a man buying a vibrator?” Oh, other than it's like an Amish man at Circuit City? Nothing. Maybe it's a gift. Maybe she's tired of being with the kids all damn day doesn't feel like putting on her good sweats to go out. Maybe she just put it on his list along with Oreo's and lighter fluid, “I don't CARE what you bring home as long as it BUZZES!” Or, maybe it's not for her at all, but for HIM. Those scenarios are always a possibility and no, there's nothing wrong with it.

But this guy, this guy was a prick.

What kind of man leaves the woman he loves (or even his dog) sit outside in the cold, in the middle of the night, in a porno store parking lot for almost an hour? This man was no knight in shining armor, he was a macho fuckstick and he relished it. Obviously, the woman asked him to go in for her (and we will deal with her in a minute) but why would he say yes? WHY would that ever be ok with him?

Because he sees her as weak.

Because she's embarrassed and “can't” do it herself! She needs him! She's so lucky a big, strong, strapping mid-life crisis came to her rescue. What a sweet, delicate little princess she must be. She's trapped in her tall Tower of Chastity and it's adorable. Why, she's so modest, I bet she's practically a virgin!

For the woman in the car, I have even less respect for her. As a woman, I do whatever I can to further our cause. By example I strive to assure men that women are strong and capable and that we can be their equal. And in being equal, we will make a better, more effective partner. But now this dizzy bitch... What am I supposed to do with that?

I can't burn enough of my bras or have enough abortions to undo the damage she did in under an hour. She managed to set us all back 150 years and all she had to do was sit in a car and wait while a douche buys something for her own vagina. Why is a woman like this even considered mature enough to have sex? How does she do other adult activities like drive or vote or even buy her own tampons? Women can not earn the respect of men as long as there are still those of us outside, waiting in a car like children. Without apology, I believe that if you are not mature enough to buy your own vibrator, you aren't mature enough to have one.

In all my years as a pornclerk I have never seen a man send a woman in to buy him a sex toy, or even porn because he's “too embarrassed.” But the fact is, men get embarrassed too. I deal with flush-faced boys everyday. Men have just as many issues with sexuality as women do, and yet men find a way to suck it up. They pull themselves together and bravely do their own dirty work-- because men don't have anyone else to fall back on.

We all know at least one woman who's a car sitter. We all know a woman who says, "Oh, I'd never..." and "Oh, I couldn't." This is a new year and for that woman, it could be a new start. For the sake of all women, tell our car sitting sisters: No one ever said owning your sexuality was easy but it is a necessary function of every adult. The outside of the ADULT store might be intimidating but inside is a fat, middle-aged mother of three who's prepared to walk you through the wilderness.


originally published in Exotic Magazine, January 2010