What a dick.

Homeless guy has private "soup kitchen"

A guy in Oklahoma was arrested this week for breaking into four churches and using their computers to look at porn. He also made calls to 1-900 numbers, racking up a $300 phone bill for one of the churches.

How do I know he's homeless? Stuff like this is right up a bum's alley.

(rimshot!)

Pipedreams is a nightmare

Novelty adult toy company, Pipedreams has decide to forgo the "adult" portion of their description and stick with the "novelty." They've gone and made some shit to fill a landfill with. How thoughtful of them.

Thank you so so so much, Pipedreams. May I actually have the opportunity to look another adult human being in the eye and TRY to sell him or her a... what is it? a Tiger Woods Sex Doll? Mother may I? Or the "Wood cover" condom? Pretty please?

And what will be my selling pitch be for the wind-up, jerk-off toy? "Well no I know no one cares about this now but ya know, for like five weeks in 2010 it was HUGE news. Wouldn't you like to take this toy home and leave it in like, a co-workers desk drawer, just to imply you know about his affair and will be sending the blackmail information at a later date?" $OLD!

And I know, there's so many jokes here, what with all the "sticks" and "holes" and "wood," but that was last month. Even the 13 year old boys who thought of the jokes FIRST have moved on.

Grow up, Pipedreams.

Awww...

Dear Porn Industry,

How does it feel to get fucked over?

Porn companies are seriously complaining about being robbed by tube sites showing their content for free. Awwww... I can hear them crying into their money-filled pillows from here.

Could this really be happening? Wait, do they mean that they're putting out work and aren't getting proper compensation? That they're working and not getting paid for it? You mean like Stephanie Swift who no longer receives compensation for her work although her name and likeness continues to be used, who now has breast cancer and couldn't afford health insurance? IS IT ANYTHING AT ALL LIKE THAT??!? Family my ass.

They brought this whole mess upon themselves, taking innocent retailers like myself down with them. They didn't hate the internet when it was making them money! They did NOTHING to stop the release of material until it began to take a chunk out of their bottom line. They were so busy "not" doing blow and eating $100 bills for breakfast that they failed to even see what mainstream movie industry already knew-- that the internet was NOT their friend. That's okay, the porn industry is no one's friend.

Nut up and figure it out, pussies.

If I'M judging you? You suck.

I don't know if it's the fancy weather or what but women are growing balls in places I never thought possible.

I've had a rash (and yes, it FEELS like a rash, it's itchy and bothersome to me...) a rash of women trying to return their vibrators to the store.

Some say because the machines don't "work" on them. Oh, yes the motor turns, it bumps and chugs along but doesn't "work-work" so they wanna return it and get a different kind. And why wouldn't I just roll over and accept the pub-haired, filmy piece of silicone and give them a brand new shiny in return? I must be a total cunt trying to shit on their good time. I mean, what's wrong with ME that I don't want it back? Don't I just have a collection of pre-ridden vibrators stinking up my shelves behind the counter? Aren't I just gonna make a modern art piece out of them and why wouldn't I be grateful for such a thing...

Once, I had sex with a police officer on the job. He cheated on his wife and I didn't give a shit. Both of us were two scumbags, rutting like dogs.

Not a proud, shining moment for me but all the same I have to say, I did do it. And yet, I would NEVER return a vibrator. Think about that.

the plan is perfect...

Atheist students at the University of Texas at San Antonio are trading porno for bibles and scripture related material. Maybe the Atheist students needed something new to jerk it to?

Meet Handjobs, The greatest literary achievement of the 21st century.

I say that with out even a drip of sarcasm. This magazine is easily the greatest thing I have ever read in my ENTIRE LIFE. I'm not just talking about best porn ever, I'm talking about EVERYTHING, EVER. Period. Greatest. Thing. Ever.

Handjobs is a magazine filled with Daddy/Boy stories. Older men, younger boys and the love shared between them. All of the pictures are drawings, because all of the situations are likely illegal in one state or another.

These stories are SO creative, and so incredible I am certain that the greatest literary minds of all time must be the ones behind every issue. I can only assume that Ann Rice, Steven King, Wally Lamb, Emily Bronte, Jane Austen and Edgar Allen Poe have all been ghost writers of Handjobs.

How else could a story about a boy who wants to make the wrestling team who then gets fucked by his coach, and then his Dr (who has to give him an "exam" to make sure his sperm is healthy) and then by his dad (who just happened to walk in while the Dr had the boy in stirrups... did I mention the Dr. was NOT a gynecologist? In the Handjobs Universe, anything can happen and everything usually does!) How else could this story ever be dreamed of, if the same people who gave us Carrie and Wuthering Heights are NOT behind it?! In the end of the story, turns out the boy was healthy as a horse and hung like one too yuk yuk!

People say to me, "You love it so much, why don't you just write a story for Handjobs?" And to that I say:

don't you dare talk fancy to me. You think this is just bullshit? you think that these stories are so easy that any mere human blogger could just sit down and crank one out??! OH NO I SAY! I am but a salty tear in the sea of talent it takes to write a story in Handjobs magazine. If someone's gonna be writing Handjobs, that someone better be training for years. In school, eating and shitting Wheaties, living in a dorm and practicing 14 hours a day... and then, maybe then you can hope to make it to The Show. The Handjobs Show.


I would be honored if I could but I can't even imagine of such a lofty goal. I might as well run for president. I mean, sure I'm crazy, but this? I don't think I have it in me. I'm just not that cool.

Here's an excerpt from Handjobs. You may cry, but you'll masturbate with your tears.