The Porncleks Creed.

We clerks live and die by a set of rules.

1) The matters between clerk and custie are private and privileged. We know you like it in the butt and are DL gay, and we don't care. We know it's your secret fantasy to be gang raped by trannies because, brother, you like to drink and when you do you talk too much. We know that piss movies are just the tip of your twisted iceberg and we don't care. We know you like teenage girls, we may even suspect that somewhere, you are a suspect, and we do not care. We will not tell your wife, your mom, your friends. As one of my clerk friends put it, "You don't start nothing, there won't be nothing." Most of us value our jobs, most of us realize there's almost no where else we can work. So, based on that alone, your secrets are safe. Just pray none of us ever gets a marketable skill or wins the lottery.

2) Some things you can't UNsee. Imagine the scene: you clock in, you try to say hello to your co-clerks, one of them is sitting on a stool with her head between her legs trying to breathe. Another clerk rubs her back and hands her a bottle of water, cooing consolation to her. On the floor, just feet away you notice a box cover. You have fifteen seconds to make a decision that could very well effect you for years to come, if not your life. As veteran clerks we know this creed very well... and yet, we STILL live for a good trainwreck. When a clerk hears, "OH MY FUCKING OH *Gag* OH GOD, HEY COME HERE!" Nothing fills us with fear and wonder more. And yet, most of us will continue to look, regardless of the consequences. We are not afraid of what's in the arcade. We are not afraid of what's on the box cover. We are only afraid when those images are all we can think about while talk to our mothers.

3) If you don't know what it is, it goes in your ass. Well, it's true.

4) If a clerk finds a dead body, the cash only in the decedents wallet may be thought of as a finders fee for the clerk. Property is never to be taken. Times are tough.

5) A pornclerk may not fuck over another pornclerk. Lots of us are dirt bags. But we are dirt bags to other people. Not to family. We are the only ones who understand what it is that we do. We are often times our only support for one another, and our greatest source of laughter.

Yesterday the Homeless got Organized.

Yesterday at the store was "Homeless Pretending They're Regular Customers Day." I don't know if it was the rain or what, but we had many of my fair city's finest vagrants browsing the store. Maybe it was like their version of a flash mob. It was so weird. Did they plan this? "Hey man, you wanna freak out the clerk at the porno store? Let's all go in there today and act like we're gonna buy shit..."

Sitting on the floor, or in the one chair we use for shoes, reading magazines, asking to try on clothes, trying on shoes, using the restroom, and me checking in their backpacks/apartments with a smile and feigned courtesy.

It was so surreal. I'd say, "Can I help you?"

Indignant Homeless Dude High on Xanax: "What, am I not allowed to look at a magazine? How will I know I want to buy it if I can't look at it? I got ID."

Me: "Well are you going to buy it?"

IHDHOX: "I'm tryin to figure that out now aren't I... Geez is this how you treat your customers?"

Me: "Um, yes?" It's like I was an extra in Hobos: the Movie! Keep in mind, I actually hate more people who live in houses than people who live out of them... so spare me the bleeding heart bs.

Right now the rules are, if they're not causing trouble and do have their id, we don't judge and let them in. They are customers and yes they can use the restroom. But I don't think having their ID is good enough. We need more rules. Here's a few I'd like to begin using:

You can not be in the store if your backpack has 1) an extra pair of boots tied to the outside or 2) any pot and or pan attached to the outside.

You can not be in the store if your hands have visible dirt. (some dirty people who have ID, LOVE to touch panties.)

You can't be in the store if you are wearing a camouflage coat.

If lice is visible, or even remotely possible, they are not allowed to try on lingerie.

Do any clerks disagree with me? I know some of you guys have been homeless, what say you?

oh... that IS a problem.

Customer came into the store, he bought one of Pipedream company's BASIX brand dong (for what purpose? Is he making a lamp out of it? Or is it going up his butt.)

but came back days later to exchange it. The reason? "It smells bad."

(because it was in your butt?)

No. He claimed it had never been um...'used,' but that he bought it, put it in his closet and the odor of it in the package stunk up his closet so bad, and made all his shirts smell like eyewatering chemical/plastic stink.

And then, he threatened to sue me for his laundry bill, and possibly for pain and suffering because he's sure the dong is toxic. "Nothing that smells like that can be healthy so, ok."

(maybe it's your digestive system.)

The Herpes Tour, hosted by Jesse James, continues

When my own husband left me for a transvestite he met on Startrek.com, I wasn't sure I was done with him until I read a couple of his emails to the other "lady." When I read the poorly written, smarmy, stupid shit, I realized my husband was an idiot and bid him adieu.

Same with Jesse James. I never realized how dumb he was until now. Here's sneak peek to the Master at work... Buckle up, it's crazy:

Jesse: Need anything before I split?
Woman: Some Tums.
Jesse: I have some special fluid that you can drink and it makes it all better…

Really? That's his game? How do you turn a run to the store for Tums into a sexual innuendo? Amazing. Did he also call her a "booger head"? Does Jesse James put his hands down his butt crack and make the girls smell it? Does he punch them and run away? WHO WOULD FUCK THIS DUMMY. IF I HUMPED HIM I'D FEEL LIKE I MOLESTED A RETARD. <--Same reason I let my husband go.

While the maggot mistresses come crawling out from under the rocks (I believe we're up to 3 or 4 now) Janine has taken this opportunity to speak out in FAVOR of Sandra Bullock having continued visits with her child.

I realize Janine feels sorry for Sandra. I realize she thinks now they have something in common. But Sandra doesn't see it that way.

Janine, don't be so quick to give her a pass. I promise you, she still hates you. Probably even more now, because you warned her.

Oh, this is cuntastic.

Where to begin.


When I saw Sandra Bullock talk non-stop about her "sweet six year old" (aka Janine's KID!) at the Oscars, I screamed at the tv, "YOU'RE A KIDNAPPING CUNT!" But, it turns out, she's just a big, dumb woman.

The real cunt in all of this is Jesse James. Cause while he stood dutifully behind his Oscar winning wife, holding her purse in one hand, he was texting horny messages to his girlfriend of over 11 months.

The girlfriend being a very handsome woman named Michelle McGee. Well, I can see why Jesse fell for her on Myspace. Michelle's a spirited little minx. Her turn on's are: pretending she doesn't know who Sandra Bullock was married to, telling her dad to go fuck himself and hating black people. Adorable!

So how is Jesse James a better parent than Janine? In what way are any of these douchebags more qualified to raise and love that little girl than her own mom? I'm so glad Miss Priss Bullock got knocked off her high horse. She was judgmental and should not have been. Maybe Janine isn't the crazy bitch he made you think she was, Sandy...

What a dick.

Homeless guy has private "soup kitchen"

A guy in Oklahoma was arrested this week for breaking into four churches and using their computers to look at porn. He also made calls to 1-900 numbers, racking up a $300 phone bill for one of the churches.

How do I know he's homeless? Stuff like this is right up a bum's alley.

(rimshot!)